Hallie Bateman and Nick Bateman, writing for The Awl — “How to Keep Your Mistress a Secret”:

I’ve had the same mistress for eight years and none of my girlfriends have ever found out about her.

As soon as a girlfriend starts to suspect something, I accuse HER of cheating. That gives me a few weeks of cushion time to line up a new girlfriend. I’m a total commitment phobe but using this method I’m never in a relationship for longer than six months. And I have had the added benefit of conducting a fulfilling, rich and passionate affair with the same beautiful woman for eight years.

Terrible. Hilarious.

(Art by Hallie Bateman and Nick Bateman)

(Edited May 21, 2020: Updated the link. RIP The Awl. 😢)