It was Monday afternoon. April 2nd. The day was long. The air was hot. My shoulders were sweaty. But none of that mattered–it was time for WrestleMania.
This was a milestone for me–not only was this the first time I was going to watch WrestleMania with my girlfriend Char (or any girl, for that matter), but THE ROCK WAS GOING TO FIGHT JOHN CENA, YOU GUYS, AND CM PUNK WAS GOING TO WRESTLE CHRIS JERICHO, AND TRIPLE H AND UNDERTAKER WERE GOING TO HAVE AN “END OF AN ERA” HELL IN A CELL MATCH. YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW MUCH THIS MEANT TO ME!!~ NO IDEA~~~!!
*ahem* Sorry about that.
But, yes, this was a big deal.
Much has happened since WrestleMania. And much has been written about WrestleMania since. Some of which are pretty damn good. I have no interest* in adding yet another review or in-depth analysis about the big event–what I am interested it is taking you, dear reader, through the specific roller-coaster of emotions that Team Hurry up the Cakes went through upon watching the biggest wrestling event of the year.
Mikey: This is it this is it this is it this is it this is it
America the Beautiful, as performed by Lillian Garcia
World Heavyweight Championship – Daniel Bryan vs. Sheamus
Daniel Bryan’s entrance
Mikey: HERE WE GO! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! Look at AJ! I love her!
Char: Of course you do.
Mikey: YES! YES! YES! YES! YES!
Char: Look at him! He’s so white.
Mikey: He’s so pale.
Char: The lighting’s not good.
Mikey: It’s outdoors. The sun’s still up.
Daniel Bryan kisses AJ:
Mikey: I love her!
Sheamus brogue kicks Bryan…
Mikey: NO! NO NO NO NO NO NO
Sheamus pins Bryan…
Mikey: NO NO NO NO NO NO NO
Sheamus wins World Heavyweight Championship in 18 seconds
Mikey: WHAT!!! WHATTT!!! NO!!! NO!!! NO!!!
Mikey: *walks out* NO NO NO NO NO NO
Mikey: *walks back in* NO!!! NO!!!
Char: *takes picture of Mikey, posts to Instagram*
Mikey: That’s so stupid. I hate this.
Kane vs. Randy Orton
Mikey: Orton wins after reversing a chokeslam.
Kane climbs to the top rope…
Mikey: No, this is it! Flying clothesline reversal to RKO!
Kane attempts flying clothesline, Orton counters with dropkick…
Kane reverses superplex attempt, chokeslams Orton from the top, pins him
Mikey: Whoa. This is a big deal.
Deadliest Catch guy segment with Santino and Mick Foley
Char: Aw, Foley. You’re a legend.
Mikey: This is sad.
Big Show vs. Cody Rhodes
Mikey: Booooooooo. Go Cody.
Cody hits first disaster kick, attempts second
Mikey: YES! GO CODY!
Show counters second kick, hits WMD
Show celebrates, cries
Mikey: *applause* You deserve it, Show. He deserves it, you know?
Beth Phoenix and Eve vs. Kelly Kelly and Maria Menuonos
Phoenix and Eve enter…
Mikey: Go Beth!
Mikey: They cut Bryan and Sheamus and these guys get a real match?
Char: But this is Maria Menuonos!
Mikey: But she’s injured!
Char: How do you know she’s injured?
Mikey: The news. Dancing with the Stars… I’m going to go pee.
Jim Ross enters
Mikey: YES! YES! YES! THIS IS PERFECT! *standing applause*
Cole shakes Jim Ross’ hand
Mikey: Wow! Wow!
End of an Era: HHH vs. Undertaker
Mikey: Wow, this early?
Shawn Michaels enters…
Char: YEAH! WOOHOOO!
Mikey: I love him.
Triple H enters…
Char: My heart is with Undertaker.
Mikey: Me too, but look at that! Wow!
Mikey: It’s dark.
Mikey: Wow. Amazing. Look at that costume.
Char: Oh no, are they going to show his head?
Mikey: Later, yeah.
Undertaker enters ring, faces off with Triple H…
Char: Oh no! I can’t watch.
Undertaker reveals bald head/mohawk…
Char: Oh no. This is sad. I can’t watch.
Mikey: It’s not so bad. He has a mohawk.
Hell in a cell structure descends…
Mikey: Wow, the cell gets an entrance.
The many near-falls…
Mikey and Char: AAAAHH!
They introduce chairs…
Char: CHAIRS! CHAIRS! CHAIRS! CHAIRS!
They hit each other with the chairs…
Char: MORE! FASTER! HARDER!
Undertaker puts HBK in Hell’s Gate…
Char: WHAT?! WHY?!?!
HHH looks for Sledgehammer…
Char: What? There’s no sledgehammer!
HHH finds Sledgehammer…
Mikey and Char: SLEDGEHAMMER!
Shawn superkicks Undertaker into a HHH pedigree, nearfall..
Mikey: NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!!!
Mikey and Char: AAAAAHHHH!
Shawn looks remorseful/depressed/afraid/conflicted…
Char: Shawn’s so guapo.
Mikey: Shawn’s so good.
Mikey and Char: *silence*
Mikey and Char: *silence*
HBK pulls Undertaker up…
Mikey: Wow. *applause*
HBK and Undertaker pull HHH up…
Mikey: WOW. *standing applause*
HBK, Undertaker, and HHH take a final bow…
Mikey: *intense standing applause*
HBK, Undertaker, and HHH embrace…
Mikey: *super intense standing applause*
Char: Ew, no**.
Hall of Fame parade
Char: Mike Tyson? Really?
Team Johnny vs. Team Teddy
Mikey: I’m sad for Zack Ryder.
Bests in the World: Chris Jericho vs. CM Punk
Mikey: Look at that jacket!
Recap video: CM Punk is, by legal definition, a bastard.
CM Punk enters, fireworks and all…
Mikey: Wow! You deserve it Punk! YEAH!
Mikey: IT’S CLOBBERIN’ TIME!
Mikey: Man, it’ll be hard to steal the show from Triple H/Undertaker.
Mikey calls out moves before they happen
Char: If you know what’s going to happen, why do you even watch?
Mikey: No! Reverse it Punk!
Mikey (to Char) This is good!
Mikey: YES! ANACONDA VISE! YES!
Mikey: That was very good. But Triple H/Undertaker took the show home.
Funkasaurus Brodus Clay dances with his mommas
Char: The majesty of WrestleMania.
Rock-Cena video: Fun.’s “We Are Young”
Mikey: This is exactly how they used it in the Apple Keynote.
Char: THEY’RE TAKING MY SONG FROM ME.
Mikey: I love this song even more now.
Char: I thought you said you didn’t like this song because it was about violence?
Char: Oh, that makes sense now. I don’t like this song anymore.
MGK enters, plays Cena out
Char: White trash.
MGK cuts promo on Rock
Flo Rida plays Rock out
Char (or Mikey, or both, I don’t remember): This is so stupid.
Mikey: Is that a Tron cycle? Is Rock going to enter on the Tron Cycle???
Rock enters, walks toward Tron Cycle
Mikey: HE’S GOING TO RIDE THE TRON CYCLE.
Rock enters, doesn’t ride Tron Cycle.
Mikey: Here we go!
Rock puts Cena in weak-ass Sharpshooter…
Mikey: He’s doing it wrong! Look! I can do a better Sharpshooter than that.
Cena puts Rock in STF…
Char: Wow. That’s so tight.
Char: That looks like it really, really hurts.
Char: Cena and Rock have no chemistry.
Mikey: Yes they do. They’re just trying to make this Hogan-Rock. Which they kind of are.
Char: They have no chemistry.
Cena attempts People’s Elbow…
Mikey: He’s not going to hit it.
Rock gets up, hits Rock Bottom on Cena…
Mikey: This isn’t over yet.
Rock pins Cena. It’s over.
Mikey: WHAT! THAT’S IT? THAT’S IT? *stands up* *sits down, disappointed*
Char: *takes picture, posts to Instagram*
All in all, WrestleMania XXVIII was a fine show. Certainly better than last year’s. But you already knew that.
I just know that this was my favorite WrestleMania viewing experience, ever.
* – I actually do, but some people already did it better than I could have.
** – She hates wrestlers hugging, especially if they were opponents just before the hug. I think she still goes into convulsions whenever she sees clips of the emotional reconciliation between Bret Hart and Shawn Michaels back in 2010.